A little LA-life update. It's all set in now, and it's horrible. So many things constantly play thru my mind. All the trust I gave Tyson is gone. That makes me so sad. I feel so down. And I miss him so much. The him i used to know. I don't recognize him anymore; he's so different with me now. I just don't understand how someone can change so much.
When I'm with people, I can hold it together and forget about it for a while, but alone... I'm a mess. I'm out of the shock stage and into the why, why, why stage. And i'm mad. This is wrong. This is not supposed to happen. Married is for ever. No matter how hard it is. Doesn't he love me?!
But I can't force Tyson, and I won't try to convince him anymore. This is in God's hands. It always has been, but now I'm "letting it be".
I've been working since this happened. I didn't take any time off, as much as I wanted to. I've been living with Grandma and I don't want to leave. She is so amazing, and I don't feel so alone when I'm there. But I don't want to go back and forth every weekend to take care of the dogs every weekend while Tyson visits his family in Kenora. He's moving out Friday and looking for an apartment in winnipeg now. Which is so weird. He's still firm on his decision, and is moving on.
Penny's going to be living with Tyson's sister. *sad*
I'm keeping the house, so I'm keeping my Lola.
I won't be going Full Time with Freckled Nest afterall. Not now anyways. What I wasn't telling you all then, was that I was doing that because Tyson said I was working too much. (Which I was). I was trying to take away one of my jobs so I could spend more time with him. I wasn't ready to go full time, but I knew I had to make some serious changes... he was already thinking about divorce. That was 4 days before he decided to leave. Afterwards, I asked for my job back. (hard!) and they let me back. I'm now working 5 days a week instead of 4. A little less time for Freckled Nest... but I have a house and car (my choice) to pay for by myself now... so I had to. It will all work out though.
My family and friends have been incredible. So much love.
When I move back to the house this weekend, Mom and Amanda are coming over and Mom says we're "turning the music up loud and having a party"..."and we'll CLEAN! Can we purge?" lol..."yes mom". Then they both had an evil giggle. Mom and Amanda's idea of a party is so weird, lol.
I'm okay. I don't know what tomorow holds. And I don't need to. Day by day.
Thanks for all your love guys! You are all so incredible, and your emails, chats, phone calls, comments and hugs are so good! I haven't replyed to them all, because usually, I'm just so tired of thinking and talking about it. But I read every one, and I appreciate your words, love and care. Thank-you!
I know I'm not "myself" (as you know me). I feel like a sad clown. But I am being real. And that's important.