the day I got married. It's the date that annually and automatically reminds me of my fail, along with the empty dip on my ring finger, the Mr. & Mrs. junk mail that still comes and my last name that I try not to use. The pictures have all been burned except one, but the day is hauntingly clear in my memory and I still have dreams and nightmares about the life I used to have.
The day always gets easier when Mom phones because she remembers what the date means too. I say hello and she says, "I love you Sweetheart". Her voice is the perfect cure and then we talk for a while and she takes my mind off of the obvious :)
It's probably weird to talk about it still but I'm trying to be more real here and I know there's others out there who share the same annual reminder and regret. You're not alone, I still think about it too. I wonder if someday I'll pass May 17th and forget what it used to mean. Do you think about that too?
* * *
[ It's hard to share these sides of myself because I don't ever want people to feel bad for me; that makes me want to hide it. I share because I want those that have experienced the same things to not feel alone. Loneliness is really yucky, I'm here for you. I love you Sweetheart. ]
Hey LA, you know what, you WILL get to May 17th and not even think about it someday - I'm sure! My mum passed away 6 years ago and on her anniversary this year I went the whole day without thinking about it until my sister and dad called and admitted that it had not crossed their mind either. Then we all cried because it felt SO bad to not have even thought about it and we felt so guilty, but I'm ok with it now. It doesn't make me heartless because I remember my mum (and dream about my mum) most days and I've realised that there doesn't need to be a special day for the memories. I know your situation is different and you probably don't want to remember that but hey, look at you now with your fabulous business and lovely Keith! You're such an inspiration to all of us! So why not make May 17th a special HOORAY FOR LA DAY!
ReplyDeleteLots of love from
Aimee
x
i think it's incredibly brave and awesome of you to post such things. and i agree, it's nice sharing that "you're not alone" feeling with others. it creates such a deeper bond.
ReplyDeletei hope that one day very soon may 17th won't be such a difficult day for you.
my parents were married alomst 20 years when my dad suddenly decided he didnt want to be married anymore. its been some time and my mom still gets a little sad on their anniversary, but i think shes able to think of the good times now rather than the heartache of the anniversary.
it also seems like you have an amazing support system (including an awesome boyfriend) and wonderful mom. :) that's gotta help incredibly.
xo
kellie
Thank you for your honesty :)
ReplyDeleteI know it takes courage.
Sending you an "E-hug" LA. <3
ReplyDeleteMay 17th is the birthday of my (much loved) Grandpa, who passed away four years ago. It is a day to be glad because we love him so much, and it is a day of sadness because we miss him.
ReplyDeleteMaybe someday May 17th will be a day of gladness as well as sadness for you. Life is all about the things we learn along the way.
The day will come when you don't think of it anymore. I have the "date" too and it passed last year and I didn't realize it until it had already passed. There's days I still think about it but not as much as it used to be. It will get easier. ;) Love you!!! & I miss you. lots. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh, LA. Some day the pain will subside. Ironically enough I was married that very same day but we're celebrating 7 years together today. And I don't say that to bring you down. I say it to say that true love and forever do exist.
ReplyDeleteI think that celebrating your day as hooray for LA day is the best plan ever. <3
the edge comes off, the day becomes yet another day with only fuzzy edges and life becomes so full and good and meaningful that the hurt and the sadness and all the other emotions and memories get squeezed out...there just stops being room for both...at least that is what I am discovering...love ya!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty. I can tell by following your blog for some time now that you are a strong woman. You will overcome the past and someday this day won't affect you the same. I don't know that you will forget what this day once meant, but the significance and weight of it will likely vanish. I hope you can make new, happier memories of this day.
ReplyDeletethis made me :')
ReplyDeletewhile I don't have a wedding anniversary, there are always dates that shouldn't mean anything anymore, but they do. "oh, it's Zach's birthday...", a sudden pulled heartstring, an ache, some regret, and then it's just another December day.
there are a handful of songs on my iTunes that still make me cry at the drop of a hat when no one's around, and it's been nearly 2 years since I left him, and a year and a half since I moved on with Mark.
I think...maybe...even if you are never able to forget it, that's okay? it's just one day. you're allowed to have one day to mourn the loss (or whatever emotion you feel towards it) of something significant. or at least one hour of that one day. ;)
Anniversaries are anniversaries, good, bad or indifferent. Some we celebrate some we wish to forget but either way they are part of our journey. Hopefully you will be able to look back and see how this date has made you a stronger person. Take care!
ReplyDeleteBig {{{hug}}} to you!
ReplyDeleteI don't have an anniversary, but there are other "dates" that make me feel the same way.
I just love you more and more the more I read. My date is June 26, and I have that junk mail and the nightmares and the icky feeling, too. I understand. Sending you lots of love today. Think of how much better it already is, and remember that the best is yet to come.
ReplyDeleteYou're okay to feel. That's what is so fabulous about life. We learn from experiences we have and move along. Sure, there is still the pain and embarrassment remaining from some of the things we might have done or said, but truly, we're probably the ones who are most embarrassed by our actions.
ReplyDeleteI thought this link (there's a video clip in it) would make you smile.
http://blog.cjanerun.com/2010/05/my-life-in-segment.html
You're never alone! You are loved.
It does get easier! At some point it will be May 18th and you will realize you forgot to 'remember' the significance of the 17th. It is surprising when that happens and frankly I found myself wondering if there is something wrong. HOW COULD I EVER FORGET THAT DATE?!?!? I remember chastising myself but then I realized it is called growth and healing. Divorce can feel like such a failure but keep in mind that we all have a journey to go on and this is part of yours. Not a failure but a lesson to take forward. Be kind to yourself!!!
ReplyDeleteeven though i've moved on and have kidds and a wonderful hubby now... i still think of my first marriage and july 5th... i get a lil bummed out but it's okay b/c i just look at my life now and think of how awesome it is and how if i would have stayed with him i would be miserable.
ReplyDeleteso cheer up girlie... things are better now!!
There's something cathartic about posting those things you are afraid for people to know. You do not have to label yourself a failure. Things just didn't work out the way you dreamt they would.
ReplyDeleteThe date may always stick - but it will definitely mean far less and maybe as one other reader acknowledged, you won't even note the date; eventually. Give it time - and stop labeling yourself or that time of your life as a failure - and it loses it's power over you.
Best to you,
Tara
I love love love that you are sharing more of yourself here. It makes you *real* and more substantial than all the other trendy blogs that paint pretty picture of not-so-perfect lives. Go, you. <3
ReplyDeleteI wasn't married before, but tragedy struck my boyfriend and I last summer and I know that when the date comes around this year it will stir up painful feelings. Like everything else, I'm sure it will get easier in time <3
ReplyDeletexoxo cait
Oh, I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes we do think we are alone and feel silly to think of things like that. It isn't like our lives are happy now being different than what they could have been. That is the same way I feel about May 31st. It would have been 8 years this year, but we got a divorce only after 10 months of marriage. I wonder all the time where my life would be if things worked out. But I am extremely happy where I am at now. Cause I might not have met you :) I think on that day I will post something too. I think we all need a listening ear and a open heart. *big hug*
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. I know you're helping a lot of people feel like they are not alone.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your post, Leigh-Ann. Made me cry actually. Glad to know I am not alone. My 'date' is October 8th and it is definately a reminder of what seems like failure and loss, but lately I have been really trying to focus on thinking of the whole situation as a new beginning (which is hard). It is tough for sure. I know one day the day won't even be a thought in my mind. Can't wait for that day :)
ReplyDeletemy date is july 15th. and i don't ever look at it as a regret, well not anymore. it's something i wanted, i gave it a shot and in the end it was for the better. now when i think of it i try to smile but know that where i am now is some much better for me. try to smile even if it is just alittle.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. It is good to know that I am not alone. Your blog is a wonderful reminder of creativity, courage, and strength. Thank you!!
ReplyDeleteRight there with ya', girlfriend. Every year when January rolls around...
ReplyDeleteLeigh Anne
ReplyDeleteMine was May 5th.
Ironically, I had my first appointment with my lawyer to discuss the divorce on my wedding day. It was a "surprise" divorce. He said it was him and not me....I think the woman he moved in with 3 weeks later last september had something to do with it.
Alas, May 5th came and I was so sad,angry and feeling full of failure. But My kids, ages 4 and 7, reminded me that I am a wonderful person and a strong woman.
I can't say it will pass because I don't know if I will ever forget May 5th (2001). I have a wonderful new man in my life that I adore, but May 5th reminds me of something I had dreamed of and failed at.
Take comfort in that we are not alone.....and we can craft a mean streak!!!!!
HUGS
Michele
Hi Everyone,
ReplyDeleteYou really did make me feel better about today and I'm seeing it in a different way because of YOU :)
Thank you so much!
@Vanessa, that was the same year I was married, we got married on the same day. It makes me really happy that your celebrating today, thank you for sharing!!
I love you all, I hope that we all feel different about "that day" from here on out. Thank you so much for making me glad I shared today.
Love Leigh-Ann
You. Are. Awesome.
ReplyDelete(I think this is the first time I've ever commented on your blog which is ridiculous because I love it.)
I think it's wonderful that you're sharing more. It shows your strength. Congrats girl!!
I know what you mean, there are certain dates in my life that always linger and I try so hard to forget of their existence... I now try replace with them with good memories. May 17th happens to be the day I met my husband, it's not our wedding anniversary but he surprised me today with a card! Time heals all wounds :)
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Maria
I'm late to this post, but I'm sending a huge hug anyway. You are awesome, L-A. :)
ReplyDeletethanks for your post, and i pray that there will be a time that you are oblivious to the hurt that is involved on May 17th
ReplyDelete((((HUGS))))
ReplyDeleteI love you Sweetheart!
Love Momma
xoxoxo
March 7th is my day that I try not to remember.. and this this year, I didn't realize until March 9th that the day I had dreaded and everything it meant just didn't have such a strong hold on me anymore.
ReplyDeleteIt'll get easier, hang in there! xx
It's been five years since my divorce and April 5th will always be my "May 17."
ReplyDeleteI stumbled on your blog from Elsie's a couple weeks ago and you've been an inspiration already. Sadly, I'm kind of relieved I'm not the only one who's world stops turning the day that failure became etched in the history books.
Thank you.
J
Oh, dude. Someday it will pass and won't even cross your mind, on this date. :) Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm so happy you're real and you post things like this up for all to connect with - it's so confusing when bloggers leave this big chunk of their lives out of their personal blogs, though I can understand it is painful & hard to share - I often feel like if they don't type about big life-changing things like this that must be affecting them on a daily basis that they might not be being honest in a lot of other stuff they share, too - so, thank you, Miss LA, for being real. You're so lovely. :)
I think you may have the most perfect soul and I've never even met you. Maybe some day...
ReplyDeleteAnd to answer your question, one day it will pass unnoticed.
My day is April 25. I never look at it as a failure but as a step that brought me to where I am, which is a much better place than if I would have remained. I met my love through my ex and we have the greatest little kid together and it wouldn't have happened without that part of my life, painful as it was, but that stuff grows you (:
ReplyDeleteYou are marked as a much braver woman for it and there are many of us at this age who bare that secret mark too.
That was beautiful, as hard as it is for you to talk about this. Thanks for sharing. Sometimes when we share the regrets, the ugly pasts, and the shame, there is a beauty that reveals itself, and healing can come from that.
ReplyDeleteThe day that I'd rather forget is August 10th - when my dad was killed. I don't want to forget my dad at all, but it can still be hard. As the years go on, it gets easier to live through that day. Healing takes time.
I wasn't married before, but sometimes I think back to the years I spent with my ex and the thought to think of them as 'wasted' pops into my mind but then I realize that without having spent those years with him I wouldn't be where I am today, where I'm married and happy and the mom of 2 awesome little boys.
ReplyDeleteLife is a journey and everything that happens helps to make you the person you are. Don't feel like you failed, it was just a bumpy part on the trip :)
Since Angela's comment is above mine it's making me think about my dad who's gone too. I don't even remember the date he died. To me it's sad to remember that day out of all the days I had with him, I'd rather remember his life and the positive. I don't even remember the year exactly, I think about the light he brought into our lives instead of the darkness we all felt the day he was gone.
You're brave for sharing, as you can see we all appreciate it.
Thank you for sharing...it's nice to know others who have gone through (and continue to go through) the same thing. My date is August 22. I got divorced almost two years ago, and although I'm happy now with a new boyfriend and new life, I struggle with what-ifs (what if I tried harder?) and getting over a life that could have been and wasn't.
ReplyDeleteRecently, a friend of mine got an annulment from the church, and I thought about doing that too but then realized it meant saying the marriage never happened. And, that was a lie. It did happen - for good and for bad - and it made me who I am. I can't regret it because it's part of me.
I am a little behind on this one but I wanted to let you know I think it's great too that you share this stuff. It's hard but it really does let others know they are not alone. I try to do the same on my blog. I am on my second marraige so I completley know how it feels.
ReplyDeleteThanks - you are like sunshine
tomorrow is my may 17th. thanks for this post.
ReplyDelete